Please don't let me be misunderstood

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh God please don’t let me be misunderstood!”

-        Eric Burdon

“What’s happening, Brandon?”  Jim said as he approached my cube and reached for my trash can with his cinnamon colored hand.

“Same old Jim.  How are you doing?”

“Pretty good man.  I’m going to see this Brit Floyd band later this week.  You heard about them?”

“No, are they a Pink Floyd trib band or something.”

“Yeah, man, I think they are better than the real Pink Floyd.”

“Probably now that they are old, ha ha!”

“You see, I bet you didn’t even know I’d like something like Pink Floyd?”

I thought fast for a moment and responded cheekily stealing a bit from Dave Chappelle “So what?  Why do you think all white people like Pink Floyd?  Is that what it says in the encyclopedia?”

Jim laughed and flashed that “you got me,” look which caused me to laugh.  After we had a good laugh we decided to see Brit Floyd together.

…at least that’s what I wish would have happened.

I am a white male of European descent.  I have never experienced discrimination in the classic sense and I try very, VERY, hard to make people feel comfortable and keep my privilege in check when I talk to people who I might offend.  On the other hand sometimes I feel that it prevents me from forming stronger relationships with the people in my life who are not as bland as I am.  Sometimes I feel like I should wear a tee shirt that says “my intentions are good!”  That shirt might have helped a friend of mine who almost got fired for making a racially charged remark. 

…

“So, Sue, I need you to put those reports together when you get the chance. Can you do that please?”  Amy said apologetically.  She had had Sue running around all week and it was especially stressful for her since she had only been in the department a few weeks.  She was really trying hard to make a good impression on her staff who were mostly African American.

“I really appreciate it Sue.  I know that I have had you ‘stepping and fetching’ all week.”  Sue looked up abruptly and paused for a moment before she replied “I’ll get right on that Amy.”  Amy didn’t know it at the time but she had just made a racially charged remark.  Later that afternoon she was standing in front of her boss receiving a tongue lashing.

Stepin Fetchit was the screen persona of the black actor and comedian Lincoln Theodore Monroe Andrew Perry.  Stepin Fetchit was the “laziest man in the world,” in the 30s and 40s.  The character was the picture of negative black stereotypes.  Perry played him as lazy, dumb, and poorly spoken.  According to Wikipedia he was the first black actor to become a millionaire as the first black actor to receive a screen credit.

I would say that I know how Sue felt when she heard the remark but I don’t I have never experienced racism.  But, I’ll bet she felt pretty bad.  The experience cast a shadow over Amy and her staff became uncooperative.  They had really been offended by the remark.  But Amy had no idea that the phrase she used had any racial connotation.  It was something that her father, who had grown up in the 40s, had said to her as a child.  To “step and fetch,” was just to be really busy.  That was all.

I live in fear of the above which is why I keep my interactions with people like Jim polite, short, and sweet.  I just can’t afford to say something accidentally and offend him because I might lose my job or be labeled a racist.  I appreciate the position that he is in as well it must be galling to hear someone say something offensive even if they know they don’t mean it.  I hope that if a person of color ever hears me make an off color remark accidentally that they will appreciate that my intentions are good.  

…

“You see, I bet you didn’t even know I’d like something like Pink Floyd?”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t think something like that.” I said sheepishly “They’re a great band, after all.”

Jim looked at me and smiled and said “sure are.”  Then he collected my trash and left.  That’s what really happened and it’s a shame.

Crack the Champagne!

I am staring at a tube sock with wonder picking it up and dropping it over and over again.  I look over at my cat, seemingly glued to the bed and I marvelat her.  “Did they find the Higgs Boson today?” I coo to my kitty.  This is a moon landing moment.  It took decades of research from the finest minds in the world on top of billions of dollars of research but we now know exactly how gravity and mass work.  Something that we had previously taken for granted. 

I can only imagine the kind of tantalizing research that this discovery will yield.  Will we find ways to manipulate the bosons, making objects lighter or heavier?  Will we be able to make flying cars that cruise through fields of Higgs particles?  I don’t know but I can’t wait to find out! 

A thought occurs to me.  This is a giant leap for mankind because it explains exactly how Neil Armstrong’s giant leap worked!

Did my congressman support the NDAA?

Want to find out if your congressman voted for the NDAA? Unfortunately it is much easier to ask “did my congressman oppose the NDAA?” It is a much shorter list for both the house and the senate. If you live anywhere other than Iowa, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Oregon, Utah or Vermont both of your senators voted “Yea.” Only in Oregon did both senators vote “Nay.”

A detailed list can be found here

If you live in the United States of America at least one of your representatives in the house voted “aye.” Sorry. You can find out how your district rep voted here

If you have not heard yet the NDAA (National Defense Authorization Act) is an annual bill that provisions funding for the US Military. This year an additional section was included that basically allows the military to indefinitely detain any American who is a terrorist or who is associated with a terrorist group. The problem that most people have with this is that it violates the Constitution which guarantees U.S. citizens the right to due process. Forbes has a very informative article on the subject.

It’s time for ordinary Americans to stand up for liberty and vote these bastards out of office.

Careful! If You Read This Your Brain Might Ooze out of your Ears!

Even though I am not nearly intelligent enough to even begin to understand physics I am fascinated by the implications of what physicists discover. I was reading a book recently; the excellent, The Hidden Reality: Parallel Universes and the Deep Laws of the Cosmos, By Brian Green. In it, Brian; a world renowned physicist and professor at Columbia University, describes several different possible universes based on mathematics and recent discoveries.

Some of his conclusions are truly mind-blowing. For instance, imagine that our universe…everything we see, are, and know is stored elsewhere in existence in a massive sphere that surrounds the cosmos. Not only does Brian posit such a mind-blowing scenario but he shows you enough circumstantial evidence to conclude that, yes, it might be possible. I would not recommend reading such a book with a joint in your hand, as your head might explode. What’s even more fascinating is that recent discoveries at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland might wipe out everything that we thought we knew about existence.

If you have not heard yet, the Large Hadron Collider is a massive particle accelerator, with a circumference of 17 miles, that smashes the smallest units of matter together at nearly the speed of light…or so we thought. Recently the collider produced data that suggests that neutrinos can move ever so slightly faster than the speed of light. Approximately .0025 times faster to be exact.

If proven true then the discovery will contradict Einstein’s theory of relativity! What are the implications of such a discovery? It will only challenge everything that we know about the observable universe! We will be back to square one. The apple falls when you drop it!

My Scout Master Would be Proud

This morning I was walking to the elevator to go to work and I saw a tiny hunched figure with gray hair poking out from under her babushka leaning on a cane. She was squinting and trying desperately to read the directory through a pair of thick glasses that looked to be half the size of her tiny head. I immediately thought of my poor old grandmother. If she were squinting at a directory I would hope some young man would help her so I walked up to her and offered my assistance.

"Good morning, I work here. That directory is really old, half of those companies aren't even here anymore." I lied. "Do you need help finding something?"

She turned to squint at me with a pair of ancient blue eyes as broad toothy smile appeared on her face. "I've been here before but I forgot where I was going," she laughed "What floor is Weinstein and Associates on?"

"Fortunately that's a popular question." I replied "He's on seven. I was just going up that way myself actually."

"Oh, thank you." She said.

We walked through the hall to the elevator. She moved very slowly and I though about offering her my arm but I didn't want to patronize her so I just walked slowly beside her to the elevator and pushed "up." As the door swung open I reached in to hold it for her.

"Service with a smile, how about that!" She said as she shuffled on to the elevator.

"These doors close so fast." I said.

"Ha ha, they must want to keep you working!"

"Yeah, that's the truth."

I followed her on to the elevator and hit her floor. "Weinstein is a left off the elevator." I said as I got off on my floor.

"Thank you so much young man. You remind me of my grandson."

"He must be a good looking fellah." I said as I winked at her.

"He sure is." She laughed "Take care."

As I walked back to my desk I thought to myself "It's about time I give grandma a call."

Live by the Sword...

My least favorite time of the year is car inspection time. I look forward to it with impending dread for months and every squeak and creak that my six-year-old car makes seems to herald financial ruin. Car repairs are EXPENSIVE and can cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars and who, in this economy has that kind of money just sitting around?

It only complicates matters that the rules and regulations are set up in such a way that it only hurts the consumer. Yes, I understand that it is necessary to have your vehicle inspected from time to time to ensure that you are not polluting the environment or at risk of hurting yourself or others, but the fact remains that the person inspecting your vehicle has a vested interest to see you fail. If you fail inspection he makes money and in all my years of car ownership I have not passed a single inspection on the first try. I am always in for at least $300 worth of repairs. The above is just one example of how modern American society places a proverbial sword of Damocles over your head at all times, just waiting to smite you if you drop your guard.

And, yet, when I think about it I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. I am a single man, I make decent money and I have no health problems. I have a friend who works 60 hours a week cooking for a local restaurant chain. He probably makes at least 20% less than I do works twice as long and gets no health insurance. He has to support his two children and his girlfriend (marriage being reserved for the rich anymore) on his meager salary and has to rely on social programs just to get by. He is no rocket scientist but he does his job well, pays his bills, and obeys the law. Last night when he came over for a visit he mentioned that he has a bad tooth that keeps rotting away in his mouth splintering tooth fragments into his food.

“My God,” I thought to myself, “and I thought I had it bad with $600 in the bank and an old car to get inspected!” A car for him will always be an unrealized dream. He can’t even afford to rid himself of the agonizing pain of a rotting tooth. The sword floats above this man’s head 24/7.

President Obama is trying to push through a half-trillion dollar jobs bill that will be funded by taxing the top 1% of Americans. It will no doubt be opposed by reactionaries that will pompously defend their “right,” to retain their overwhelming wealth at the expense of people like my friend and I. How dare low-income Americans expect things like healthcare, marriage and a living wage as rights? These things are privileges; privileges that can be lost at the drop of a sword.

An Embarassing Pirate Experience

"Hello," the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Ahoy Mateys! Do you be needin' some escape from swabbin the deck all day? Does ye..."

"Who the fuck is this?" the voice replied angrily.

"Excuse me? I said," with confusion "I was replying to an add on Craigslist for voice talent."

"Oh, yeah, that add was taken down a long time ago." The voice said callously.

"Well, I only saw it a few days ago and it said the deadline was September 29th 2011. The add said to start reading as soon as I heard hello so you could get a feel for how a 'cold listener," would respond. So you can see my confusion."

"Whatever." The voice said before he hung up as if I was inconveniencing him. It was me who had been practicing my pirate voice for the past three days preparing for the "audition." Grrr... the nerve of some people! If you are going to ask someone to do something as humiliating as doing a bucaneer impression for you the least you can do is make it worth their while. Somewhere out there there is someone who either doesn't know how to run an add agency or gets off on hearing pirate voices.

I am almost tempted to post the script and the number...but I am not a vindictive person.

Yarrr... :(